My First Patient

I met a 68-year-old man from New York this afternoon who I became very intimate with and will continue to do so until December. I'll never know his name or his past, nor will I ever get a chance to thank him for allowing me into his life. He's given me the chance to touch someone like I never have before without any regrets, something the vast majority of people can never say. The bond I will continue to share with this man is one of trust, of curiosity, and one of a truly sacred nature. This man is my cadaver, my first patient.

Around 11am this morning we had our first Gross Anatomy lecture. This is the one class that every medical student dreads but is also one of the most relevant ones I will ever take. Lecture consisted of a few cracked jokes, as well as some red tape. Most importantly, however, it was a reflection on the significance of the fact that we will begin to dissect a once-living human being.

The lecture began with the anatomy professor exclaiming, "You will never be the same again." He went on to explain the source of the cadavers. They are donated by the living for the specific reason to become cadavers to be used for dissections in medical school. He explained how a lot of thought must have gone into their process of deciding to donate their body's for this purpose. His main intention was for us to understand that these are not merely specimens, but that these people once lived and thought just as we do. These people should be respected as though they were living. Once this course is finished, the bodies will be cremated, and their ashes will be sent to their relatives.

The anatomy lab began at 1pm. The room was a nice one, very well-lit with windows all around. My group's table was at a window overlooking Central Park. In front of me there was a plastic sheet covering what looked like a human underneath with his back facing towards me.

Today we dissected the muscles of the upper and lower backs. Today I touched the lats and traps with my own hands and cut into bare skin and saw what fat actually looked like. Today I went inside of a man who will never know who I am.

If it seems like I'm a little traumatized by the situation, it's because I am. I think that's a good thing though. Nobody should ever just be OK with doing what I did today. I think the issue is that we tend to see living things for their potential rather than for what they actually are. Rather than looking at your dog as a multicellular organism which has been organized into specialized systems which was the result of his species' evolutionary success, you see Spike, a sweet best friend who likes to give you kisses when you need them the most.

I personally hope I never get used to such things. I think that those who do have a higher potential to become physicians who are separated from their patients' feelings and potentials. It's what causes doctors to become non-empathetic.

I guess I learned a lot today about myself from my first patient today. Now if only I could get the smell of formaldehyde off of my left hand...